LA residents left traumatised by distressing shooting incidents

Residents of the Los Angeles area are reportedly in a state of shock after consecutive horrific shooting incidents at Crypto.com arena. “Every time I close my eyes I see it over and over again,” sobbed one fan with courtside tickets who was close enough to hear the clangs. “My therapist has advised Clippers basketball to become reaccustomed to the ball going into the hoop, but it’s slow progress.” As inconsolable crowds filled the streets for the second time in three nights, fans are calling on the Lakers front office to take preventative steps. “My thoughts and prayers are with all season ticket holders who have witnessed recent events,” said newly extended Lakers VP of Basketball Operations Rob Pelinka, speaking remotely from the 1960s where he is sourcing further roster-building strategies. “However, now is not the time to discuss basketball operations, and I am sickened by those who would use this to further their anti-gunner agenda.” In the event of future incidents, the city of LA is currently advising residents to shelter behind the stats of LeBron James or Anthony Davis, which are likely to be significantly padded.